deaf and blind, but no longer dumb

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!... so as of April 1 they will finally be making me a staff person, which means, more money, more vacation, more respect and well, not a whole lot more work considering they should have done this a long time ago... im pretty excited... its what ive been waiting for all along.. of course then the doubt sets in... i hope i dont let anyone down... but for now i will just go along with thinking i deserve the promotion...

as for other things on the horizon...2005 is turning out to be quite the learning experience for me... it seems that a lot of things in my life are either being resolved or rearing their ugly heads and showing themselves so far... im finding it hard to stabilize, but i feel like all of this change (geographically, mentally, every way you can think of)... that and all this health shit is driving me nuts... but i should have some sort of closure on that soon... at least i should know what is going on in about two weeks after they do all this testing at GW this week...

the push and pull of everything... i know there is something to it... i am far from epiphany, but i can feel something rising to the surface... and i feel like i am totally ready to check out all those monsters hiding under my bed

thats all i had to say... but its been a long time since ive seen one of those... one of the projects i was working on came back from the printer.. and yay! its not screwed up .. for once

http://www.iloveegg.com/index.asp

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

seriously.. i have to redesign this sexual harassment brochure at work and i have nothing.. i cant think of one damn thing to do with this thing... is it just extreme need for vacation or do i really need to find another job??

that is my dilemna these days..
should i leave my current job now that they have totally screwed me over?.. or do i suck it up and try and see if they will pay for part of grad school?

so i finally found a program that i think might be more what im looking for than law school, even though one of our lawyers here thinks that i absolutely should at least apply to AU and see if i get in...

U Of Baltimore offers a Masters in Publications Design that actually sounds like a lot of fun.. i miss school...they have actually offered a graphic novel course a couple of times that im dying to take...
choices choices... and the reality of having to find some way of paying for it scares me also.. supposedly the program takes 4 semesters for full time and 6-7 for part time students so since i have a full time job i should be done before i turn 30 if i start as soon as possible...that is if they will let me in... i guess i really have nothing to lose.. the worst is that they reject me and i come up with plan B...

family reunion on my fathers side this weekend... should be interesting... im preparing myself for the 'i remember when you were..." and 'you look just like...' if only there was alcohol allowed at these functions it might be a hell of a lot more bearable..

that you have reached all new levels of OCD when you are caught sitting at your desk and cutting your split ends with scissors, one by one... either that or i am just extremely bored looking at convention photos... or i really hate my boss... probably all of the above...
perhaps i will grow some balls soon and have the nerve to leave this place

so im standing outside minding my own business when the york florist delivery guy calls out "are you gaining weight on me?" .. i turn around... he is standing there and repeats himself.. "you look like youve been gaining some weight"... um... so i tell this stupid mutherfucker that you dont say that type of thing to a girl and that no, i dont believe that i have... so he decides to make matters worse..."well i see you everyday, i should know".. first of all eew... can you at least say hello first before you make some comment on my current weight which is none of your fucking business anyway you stupid flower bitch...now i feel fat... im such a girl.. someone shoot me

sometimes i think of dressing like a chicken and eating chicken at the same time
or of going to buy an avril lavigne album so i can get that stupid song out of my head..

but then i would probably catch myself singing it in the elevator at work and i couldnt deal with the embarassment of that...
i think wierd things..
i scare myself...
i wish i could find another person who was nearly as wierd as i think i am in my head... something of a mirror image brain-wise and we could communicate with nothing but morse-code eye blinking.. that seems strangely peaceful...im so tired of trying to explain myself.. its exhausting.. so why the crap do i even bother writing it down, ever? ... i guess it serves as some strange chronology of my silence... i wish you were here to talk to but your words were never a trustworthy anchor... one wrong word and i go careening through an endless sea of speculation... the water is far, far too high

also im hungry.. maybe thats what the chicken thought was about

i came home yesterday.. the mind is strange thing... when i was away i kept thinking that i couldnt wait to come home... now that i'm here i wish that i could go back...
or maybe its just the same old drama here that is making me wish that.. i know part of it is that the Convention is over.. that makes me very sad for some reason.. for as much stress as it has caused, it has been all i thought about for the last few months... everyone i worked with worked so hard to make it happen, and it was great.. but now that it is all over its a bit of a downer.. its hard to explain..
the other part is that im fairly sure (lots of rumors) that i am going to be promoted.. which should be nothing but a good thing... but it also means that i will most likely end up staying where i am for quite a while.. i guess there are worse things.. people used to stay at the same job for their whole life..not that im planning on being a lifer there, but the whole people-counting-on-you thing makes it harder in my mind to foresee getting out of this area which is what i really would like to do... im so bad with choices... there are so many options of what i COULD do.. i'm just never really sure what would make me happy in the long run... i have thoughts of moving north permanently.. but that would be a complete leap of faith that im not entirely ready to make... i guess its no rush... just babbling, like i said..
im trying very hard to be realistic about certain things, but im some kind of wierd combination of romantic and doomsday so that i never quite know my head from my ass..
yeah.. there was really no point to anything i just said.. time to shut up

for those of you that have been to vegas:

anyone know of anything off the beaten path to visit/see there? i dont want to see wayne newton or celine dion or anything of the like... but i would be down with visiting some wierd stores or something

any suggestions????

how much i do have... as much as i like to think that noone cares or understands most of the time, someone always comes along to pleasantly surprise me...over the past week i was reminded of the gift that someone gave me... and im so happy to be at a new beginning again with you... you've meant and done so much for me without even knowing...you have my respect and love and i hope that you know that...your words have helped me immensely and i appreciate you taking the time...

and to my roomates, M&M:
for putting up with my melodrama over the past few weeks...just being there and making me realize that im not as crazy as i think...reinforcing what i already know... THANK YOU... what would i do without you?

i think i am finally ready to try and make myself happy instead of everyone else. im tired of doubting myself and wasting my talents because of fear. i would like to be doing something that will benefit other people since i can't seem to do it in my personal relationships...and the only reason i have not gone back to school yet is because i lack the confidence...im always afraid to try because im afraid to fail... well that is just bullcrap...i think i have finally made a decision (albeit while i was a bit drunk) that i am going to see about taking the LSAT's again... shit... i would only need to improve my score by 10 points... piece of cake... and perhaps if i am willing to go out on a limb i may even be able to convince the people here to help me pay for law school.. that is if i want to do labor law... hell... im tired of sitting on my ass waiting for better things... im going to get them

why do you torture me so?
your style sheets look like style sheets but you dont work like quark.
your justification features leave something to be desired.
you move things and hide them from me.
i hate you.

"the curious incident of the dog in the night-time" by mark haddon

pure genius.

some kind of lecherous person magnet? once again on my drive to work (which is at 7 AM) i was harassed by disgusting men in landscaping/construction trucks making (*eew*) "kissy" noises.. this is a new thing as they usually just wave, make some comment about my breasts or try to get my number.. never before have they resorted to just making lewd sounds.. i dont fucking get it... im about 15 lbs overweight, have bad skin and rarely wear make up... why wont they just leave me alone and bother some REALLY attractive person instead... it makes me feel.. DIRTY... or maybe the solution is that i just need to trade in my car for a truck so these fuckers can no longer look down into my car and i can greet them with a right-in-your-face Birdie

ugh...
losers...

i cant believe i missed Jesus Day:
I can never show my face again



In 2000, while he was Governor of Texas, George W. Bush signed a proclamation declaring June 10 as Jesus Day, urging Texans to "follow Christ's example by performing good works in their communities and neighborhoods."

(Source: Laurie Goodstein, "The 2000 Campaign: The Religion Issue; Bush's Jesus Day Is Called Insensitive and a Violation of the First Amendment," The New York Times, August 6, 2000.)